I know I've been gone for a while.

Posted on Xanga

Sorry. A lot of things have been happening, and also I'm lazy and was absorbed in doing other things, like grabbing desktop wallpapers, making my N64 emulator work, getting Wine running so I can run Windows apps semi-natively on my MacBook, waiting through Winter Break, and trying to help a friend of mine who's in a bad situation. I would tell you more about said friend, but if I did it might endanger him further, so I won't. Suffice it to say he's going to end up isolated for a very long time, and I'm afraid he'll end up suicidal like I was, and I want to find some way for him to contact the outside world. But it's damn hard.

I think I've largely recovered from my depression, and the recovery has lasted a few months, so I trust it more than the last time. I'm beginning to realize that I don't actually know my true potential for happiness. And I'm beginning to realize that I can indeed have a purpose in life. I want to fight for kids who are stuck like my friend and I are. I want to help get my friend to a counselor without giving things away to the people who are doing this to him, and I think it's doable, but I'll have to let him know first so that he won't think I betrayed him, because I'm the only one he really trusts right now and if that trust breaks he'll be in a lot worse of a situation than he is right now. And I want to fight for LGBT kids stuck in similar situations. I know how it is.

I have purpose. I've never had purpose like this before. I ended up crying about it yesterday because I got worked up about it, xD. Furthermore my boyfriend is coming to visit me in a week and a day, which is extremely exciting, because it'll probably be the happiest I've ever been in my life. And something else wonderful happened too. I just need to fill out my college apps, get organized, and start deciding what to take with me and what to leave behind. Then I'll be just fine. I feel strong. I feel alive. I'm still unsure about some things. But because I have friends who have faith in me I'll last until I can have my own confidence. Already have some.

I would not wish my past on anyone, but I wouldn't take it back for the world.