Guess what?

[Posted to Xanga 11/26/10]

 After two weeks of Nuvigil...I want to revise a previous statement.

It actually IS a miraculous change.

I just thought it would feel different or something. Like I'd suddenly feel like Superman, like I'd suddenly have the awareness that I could do anything I set my mind to.

I don't really feel any different inside my head. But there's been a huge difference in my actions. Suddenly, my work is getting done. For the first time all semester last week I was DONE with schoolwork instead of procrastinating schoolwork or skipping schoolwork. And I don't understand why it should be different, why I should suddenly be able to concentrate and apply effort the way I have been, but there's been a dramatic difference in what's gotten done. It's amazing.

For instance, while taking Nuvigil, I constructed most of this website for my Web Design project, writing it from scratch in HTML and CSS to look like the mockups my partner created in Photoshop: http://webdesign.fhu.edu/~mmcclish/project2/index.html

The last two links in the navigation bar won't work, but that's only because I haven't been given the mockups for those pages yet. I completed each page except the first one on the day it was given to me. The first one took me a couple of days, because developing the default CSS for the site takes longer than making things after that, and because my CSS has gotten better during the course of this project.

But my point is, this is unheard of for me. Getting something done that fast. And truly done, not just sort-of done.

Today I'm out of Nuvigil. It's been two weeks. My mom said she would get me a ninety-day supply if my psych nurse approved, and she approves as far as I can tell. I can only hope it pans out and I get some more. Because this is wonderful.

A Belated Birthday Entry

[Posted to Xanga 11/21/10]

Eighteen years old.
I can’t believe it. I feel…shock. Numbness. Confusion. It’s surreal to me, almost illogical. I’ve been waiting eighteen years…and now there isn’t the waiting anymore, there’s something else and it’s confusing, it’s strange to me. Maybe because my life was more or less centered on the waiting. Because it was a crucial part of my identity. And now…
Now the waiting is over.

Dear friends,
You have kept me alive and fighting in spite of severe clinical depression, lots of family drama, and a good bit of growing up. You helped teach me what love is. You accepted me when my folks cast me out. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Love,
Mel

Dear family,
Lyrics for you.

Tell my mother
Tell my father
I’ve done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I’m not angry,
I’m just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Love,
Melissa