Ugh...

[posted on Xanga 4/19/10]

I feel like crap.

Last time I went to see my psychiatrist (she's actually a nurse with prescribing privileges but it's a moot point), I asked her to put me on ADHD meds. She expressed concern over my heart rate briefly being high three weeks ago (it's done nothing abnormal since). When that happened, three weeks ago, she lowered my Zoloft dosage and the heart rate thing went away.

So I told her to take me off the Zoloft altogether and just give me some damned ADHD meds.

She said she'd taper me off of it, and then she'd have to talk to a doctor, and then MAYBE she'd give me ADHD meds.

It's impossible to know whether taking me off the Zoloft but not the Wellbutrin will make my depression come back. Lowering the Zoloft dosage in the past had no harmful effects, but you never know with psychiatric meds. So effectively I'm gambling my will to live for MAYBE getting some ADHD meds.

It makes me furious that such a gamble should be necessary. I understand full well that stimulants are contraindicated for those with heart problems. I understand full well that my psychiatrist is doing the cautious thing (and probably the right thing) by not letting me have meds yet. And I understand there's nothing else she can responsibly do. But I feel helpless and I need to pass my classes and it's the last minute and I JUST WANT NOT TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THE ADHD, FOR ONCE, PLEASE.

...I started going off Zoloft a week ago. Took half-dose for four days and then took nothing. This is my third day on nothing. The discontinuation syndrome is kicking in. Nausea, headache, occasional chills, moodiness (today, anyway). The weirdest symptom is brain zaps. I felt them when I took my dose late while I was still on Zoloft, but now I have them all the time. They're not all that unpleasant for me by themselves, but they really suck combined with nausea and headache. For those of you who have never heard of brain zaps:

"“Brain zaps” are said to defy description for whomever has not experienced them, but the most common themes are of a sudden “jolt,” likened to an electric shock, apparently occurring or originating within the brain itself, with associated disorientation for a few seconds. The phenomenon is most often reported as a brief, wave-like electrical pulse that quickly travels across the surface of (or through) the brain. Some people experience these “waves”through the rest of their body, but the sensation dissipates quickly. They are sometimes accompanied by brief tinnitus and vertigo like feelings. Immediately following this shock is a light-headedness that may last for up to ten seconds. The sensation has also be described by many as a flashbulb going off inside the head or brain. Moving one’s eyes from side to side quickly while open has also been known to trigger these zaps and sometimes causing them to come in rapid succession. It is thought to be a form of neuro-epileptiform activity."

I couldn't really describe them better. No other medicine causes that, to the best of my knowledge.
Bluh.

Edit: Said psychiatrist gave a talk in chapel this morning. Went and talked to her after and she was sympathetic. Made me feel a little bit better. Also, I'm getting moodiness. Snapping about things for no reason. I should go to bed for everyone else's benefit...