Saturday, May 8, 2010
Things that made me feel a little better #1
[posted on Xanga 5/8/10]
...they won't give me the meds.
My counselor said this (and Laura is my nurse with prescribing privileges, but I generally refer to her as "psychiatrist"):
"I spoke with Laura and she is really apprehensive about putting you on a stimulant. She just doesn’t think your body will tolerate it and she cannot risk putting you on a medication that would physically harm you."
I...don't even have any words, or at least any that aren't swear words.
Wait, no, I do have some words.
DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO GO ANOTHER DAY FEELING LIKE THIS NOW THAT I ACTUALLY KNOW THAT IT'S NOT MY FAULT AND IS MEDICALLY FIXABLE?!
DO YOU REALLY AND SERIOUSLY MEAN THAT AFTER AT LEAST SEVEN YEARS OF DEALING WITH THIS AND HATING MYSELF FOR IT, AND AFTER SEVERAL MONTHS OF DEALING WITH CLASSMATES, PARENTS, AND EVEN FRIENDS TRYING TO TELL ME THAT I'M MAKING THINGS UP OR MAKING EXCUSES, THAT I JUST WANT TO BE LAZY WITHOUT IT BEING MY FAULT, AFTER I'VE GIVEN UP ANY HOPE OF HAVING THEM UNDERSTAND WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING THE MEDS AND BEING ABLE TO PROVE THEM WRONG, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO PROVE THEM WRONG?
And it wouldn't be nearly that big of a deal if some part of me didn't still believe them. But that part of me does. That's one of the worst insecurities I've ever had. I didn't know how I was going to manage to survive before I knew this was the problem. I didn't know how I would ever be able to do the things that are necessary to be independent. And I thought it was all my fault. And now? Now, even though I know there's a legitimate problem here, I'm still scared to death! You know why? IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE SOMETHING ISN'T YOUR FAULT WHEN YOU'VE BEEN TOLD IT IS FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE. The medicine would have proved not only everybody else wrong but also that little voice inside my head that takes me apart every time I screw up.
But no. You won't give me them. And you won't give me them anytime soon. I am scared. I've been scared for a while but now I am openly scared, now I'm scared and I'll admit it to the rest of you: I. Don't. Know. How. I. Am. Going. To. Survive.
To anyone who would like to tell me I'm being melodramatic: this is me letting out emotion that I don't want to direct at the innocent people around me. If you don't like it you can go and have a cookie and think about flowers and sunshine.
To anyone who thinks I am making too much of the meds or too much of the disorder or making excuses: ...no. Just no. I've had this argument too many times. I'm not going to have it again.
To my counselor and my psych: I know this is not your fault. I know you're doing what is medically necessary and responsible. I'm not angry with you. But that doesn't make it any less a) terrifying or b) painful.
To those of you who have been sympathetic: ...thanks.
And to my mother: This does not mean you're right. Just because I'm not able to obtain the resource that would prove you wrong does not mean I forfeit. DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
To everyone:
I'm sorry.
I'm in a terrible mood.
I probably will be for a while.
If I'm yelling at you it's not because I'm laboring under the delusion that it's your fault.
If I'm yelling at you I apologize.
It's more fear than anger. A lot more fear than anger.
I don't know what's going to happen to me. I'm not planning on anything different than I was before. But I've been dreading failure for a long time and not having something this important to success is really not making the dread go away.
There's not really anything you can say, no.
...I'm sorry.
...they won't give me the meds.
My counselor said this (and Laura is my nurse with prescribing privileges, but I generally refer to her as "psychiatrist"):
"I spoke with Laura and she is really apprehensive about putting you on a stimulant. She just doesn’t think your body will tolerate it and she cannot risk putting you on a medication that would physically harm you."
I...don't even have any words, or at least any that aren't swear words.
Wait, no, I do have some words.
DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO GO ANOTHER DAY FEELING LIKE THIS NOW THAT I ACTUALLY KNOW THAT IT'S NOT MY FAULT AND IS MEDICALLY FIXABLE?!
DO YOU REALLY AND SERIOUSLY MEAN THAT AFTER AT LEAST SEVEN YEARS OF DEALING WITH THIS AND HATING MYSELF FOR IT, AND AFTER SEVERAL MONTHS OF DEALING WITH CLASSMATES, PARENTS, AND EVEN FRIENDS TRYING TO TELL ME THAT I'M MAKING THINGS UP OR MAKING EXCUSES, THAT I JUST WANT TO BE LAZY WITHOUT IT BEING MY FAULT, AFTER I'VE GIVEN UP ANY HOPE OF HAVING THEM UNDERSTAND WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING THE MEDS AND BEING ABLE TO PROVE THEM WRONG, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO PROVE THEM WRONG?
And it wouldn't be nearly that big of a deal if some part of me didn't still believe them. But that part of me does. That's one of the worst insecurities I've ever had. I didn't know how I was going to manage to survive before I knew this was the problem. I didn't know how I would ever be able to do the things that are necessary to be independent. And I thought it was all my fault. And now? Now, even though I know there's a legitimate problem here, I'm still scared to death! You know why? IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE SOMETHING ISN'T YOUR FAULT WHEN YOU'VE BEEN TOLD IT IS FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE. The medicine would have proved not only everybody else wrong but also that little voice inside my head that takes me apart every time I screw up.
But no. You won't give me them. And you won't give me them anytime soon. I am scared. I've been scared for a while but now I am openly scared, now I'm scared and I'll admit it to the rest of you: I. Don't. Know. How. I. Am. Going. To. Survive.
To anyone who would like to tell me I'm being melodramatic: this is me letting out emotion that I don't want to direct at the innocent people around me. If you don't like it you can go and have a cookie and think about flowers and sunshine.
To anyone who thinks I am making too much of the meds or too much of the disorder or making excuses: ...no. Just no. I've had this argument too many times. I'm not going to have it again.
To my counselor and my psych: I know this is not your fault. I know you're doing what is medically necessary and responsible. I'm not angry with you. But that doesn't make it any less a) terrifying or b) painful.
To those of you who have been sympathetic: ...thanks.
And to my mother: This does not mean you're right. Just because I'm not able to obtain the resource that would prove you wrong does not mean I forfeit. DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
To everyone:
I'm sorry.
I'm in a terrible mood.
I probably will be for a while.
If I'm yelling at you it's not because I'm laboring under the delusion that it's your fault.
If I'm yelling at you I apologize.
It's more fear than anger. A lot more fear than anger.
I don't know what's going to happen to me. I'm not planning on anything different than I was before. But I've been dreading failure for a long time and not having something this important to success is really not making the dread go away.
There's not really anything you can say, no.
...I'm sorry.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Ugh...
[posted on Xanga 4/19/10]
I feel like crap.
Last time I went to see my psychiatrist (she's actually a nurse with prescribing privileges but it's a moot point), I asked her to put me on ADHD meds. She expressed concern over my heart rate briefly being high three weeks ago (it's done nothing abnormal since). When that happened, three weeks ago, she lowered my Zoloft dosage and the heart rate thing went away.
So I told her to take me off the Zoloft altogether and just give me some damned ADHD meds.
She said she'd taper me off of it, and then she'd have to talk to a doctor, and then MAYBE she'd give me ADHD meds.
It's impossible to know whether taking me off the Zoloft but not the Wellbutrin will make my depression come back. Lowering the Zoloft dosage in the past had no harmful effects, but you never know with psychiatric meds. So effectively I'm gambling my will to live for MAYBE getting some ADHD meds.
It makes me furious that such a gamble should be necessary. I understand full well that stimulants are contraindicated for those with heart problems. I understand full well that my psychiatrist is doing the cautious thing (and probably the right thing) by not letting me have meds yet. And I understand there's nothing else she can responsibly do. But I feel helpless and I need to pass my classes and it's the last minute and I JUST WANT NOT TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THE ADHD, FOR ONCE, PLEASE.
...I started going off Zoloft a week ago. Took half-dose for four days and then took nothing. This is my third day on nothing. The discontinuation syndrome is kicking in. Nausea, headache, occasional chills, moodiness (today, anyway). The weirdest symptom is brain zaps. I felt them when I took my dose late while I was still on Zoloft, but now I have them all the time. They're not all that unpleasant for me by themselves, but they really suck combined with nausea and headache. For those of you who have never heard of brain zaps:
"“Brain zaps” are said to defy description for whomever has not experienced them, but the most common themes are of a sudden “jolt,” likened to an electric shock, apparently occurring or originating within the brain itself, with associated disorientation for a few seconds. The phenomenon is most often reported as a brief, wave-like electrical pulse that quickly travels across the surface of (or through) the brain. Some people experience these “waves”through the rest of their body, but the sensation dissipates quickly. They are sometimes accompanied by brief tinnitus and vertigo like feelings. Immediately following this shock is a light-headedness that may last for up to ten seconds. The sensation has also be described by many as a flashbulb going off inside the head or brain. Moving one’s eyes from side to side quickly while open has also been known to trigger these zaps and sometimes causing them to come in rapid succession. It is thought to be a form of neuro-epileptiform activity."
I couldn't really describe them better. No other medicine causes that, to the best of my knowledge.
Bluh.
Edit: Said psychiatrist gave a talk in chapel this morning. Went and talked to her after and she was sympathetic. Made me feel a little bit better. Also, I'm getting moodiness. Snapping about things for no reason. I should go to bed for everyone else's benefit...
I feel like crap.
Last time I went to see my psychiatrist (she's actually a nurse with prescribing privileges but it's a moot point), I asked her to put me on ADHD meds. She expressed concern over my heart rate briefly being high three weeks ago (it's done nothing abnormal since). When that happened, three weeks ago, she lowered my Zoloft dosage and the heart rate thing went away.
So I told her to take me off the Zoloft altogether and just give me some damned ADHD meds.
She said she'd taper me off of it, and then she'd have to talk to a doctor, and then MAYBE she'd give me ADHD meds.
It's impossible to know whether taking me off the Zoloft but not the Wellbutrin will make my depression come back. Lowering the Zoloft dosage in the past had no harmful effects, but you never know with psychiatric meds. So effectively I'm gambling my will to live for MAYBE getting some ADHD meds.
It makes me furious that such a gamble should be necessary. I understand full well that stimulants are contraindicated for those with heart problems. I understand full well that my psychiatrist is doing the cautious thing (and probably the right thing) by not letting me have meds yet. And I understand there's nothing else she can responsibly do. But I feel helpless and I need to pass my classes and it's the last minute and I JUST WANT NOT TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THE ADHD, FOR ONCE, PLEASE.
...I started going off Zoloft a week ago. Took half-dose for four days and then took nothing. This is my third day on nothing. The discontinuation syndrome is kicking in. Nausea, headache, occasional chills, moodiness (today, anyway). The weirdest symptom is brain zaps. I felt them when I took my dose late while I was still on Zoloft, but now I have them all the time. They're not all that unpleasant for me by themselves, but they really suck combined with nausea and headache. For those of you who have never heard of brain zaps:
"“Brain zaps” are said to defy description for whomever has not experienced them, but the most common themes are of a sudden “jolt,” likened to an electric shock, apparently occurring or originating within the brain itself, with associated disorientation for a few seconds. The phenomenon is most often reported as a brief, wave-like electrical pulse that quickly travels across the surface of (or through) the brain. Some people experience these “waves”through the rest of their body, but the sensation dissipates quickly. They are sometimes accompanied by brief tinnitus and vertigo like feelings. Immediately following this shock is a light-headedness that may last for up to ten seconds. The sensation has also be described by many as a flashbulb going off inside the head or brain. Moving one’s eyes from side to side quickly while open has also been known to trigger these zaps and sometimes causing them to come in rapid succession. It is thought to be a form of neuro-epileptiform activity."
I couldn't really describe them better. No other medicine causes that, to the best of my knowledge.
Bluh.
Edit: Said psychiatrist gave a talk in chapel this morning. Went and talked to her after and she was sympathetic. Made me feel a little bit better. Also, I'm getting moodiness. Snapping about things for no reason. I should go to bed for everyone else's benefit...
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