I'm still here, believe it or not.

I just want you all to know that I have not abandoned, nor will I ever abandon, my Xanga. I'm currently looking for a job, so I'm being a lot more cautious about what I post on the internet. I absolutely hate doing that, but it's a necessary evil.

I'll be a lot louder when a) something in my life happens that's worth posting about and will not deter any possible future employers and b) I have a job and am therefore not as worried on that count.

I did go to Seattle the other day with Omelettes, who is on a road trip and stopped by my neck of the woods. So I'll probably post pictures, seeing as how I somehow just found out that my phone takes decent quality pictures and I can use my microSD reader to transfer said pictures to my computer without trying to fight with MMS blocking and all that jazz.

[Posted to Xanga 6/29/11]

Yesterday I got to go to Seattle for the first time. I also got to ride on a Washington ferry for the first time.

For those of you who live somewhere else, and have never been here...these ferries are HUGE. Big enough to hold at least a hundred cars, and a whole bunch of people besides. Before I moved here, I had only been on one ferry in my life; it was very small, holding maybe thirty people, and it was a long time ago. I had no idea I would someday see ferries that could hold cars, and had vending machines and arcade games on them. Sarah and her dad and I played Pounce (Nertz) about half the way to Seattle from Bremerton. When we got to the point where you could see Seattle, Sarah and I went outside.

The wind was blowing really hard; from my perspective, at least, we were going pretty fast. And in the distance I could see skyscrapers, and the Space Needle. I wanted to go to Seattle for years, and the sight of it made me happy, at least momentarily. We stood there and watched it draw nearer; Sarah pointed out some landmark-type things to me.

We came ashore and took a bus to the international district. The bus was so long that it had a bit in the middle like a bendy straw so it could go around corners less dangerously. Once we were in the international district, we went to Uwajimaya. Which turned out to be another one of those places that made me want to BUY ALL THE THINGS. Instead of buying all the things, I got pineapple Hi-Chew (the Japanese kind, for the first time), which Sarah's dad wound up buying for me, which was awfully nice of him. The bookstore was even more tempting. Le sigh. Oh, to have disposable income.

Anyway, then we went to Samurai Noodle, where I had non-instant ramen for the first time. I hadn't actually known there was a non-instant form of it until Sarah told me...to her amusement and my embarrassment. It was pretty delicious. And Sarah had gotten some kind of aloe drink at Uwajimaya and let me have some of it, and it was really good and reminded me strongly of something, but I can't remember what. Bah.

So after that we went to Pink Gorilla and poked around for a little bit (more BUY ALL THE THINGS impulse, but I didn't buy anything). And then we went to Pike Place Market. It reminded me a little of the straw market in the Bahamas. Open and crowded and selling all manner of things, making me want to look in every direction at once. Sarah and I went to watch the fish sellers who were throwing fish and yelling and being generally amusing, and her dad left to to go the bathroom, and came back with hot sugary fresh donuts. Which were also pretty awesome.

Then, if I remember correctly, we headed for the Science Center so that Sarah could stand in line for the IMAX 3D Transformers movie. The tickets were sold out or I might have gone too. No matter; we left her there, and went to ride the monorail. We ended up at some place with lots of stores that were closed because some unspecified thing had happened. Sarah's dad got some shoes and we headed back to the ferry and went home. Sarah came home much later, at around 1:30 or 2.

It was a pretty good day. Being amid skyscrapers made me think of Atlanta, but it was different from Atlanta. Atlanta doesn't have hills like that, nor does it have a shipyard, of course. Nor does it have viaducts. Which are apparently going to be taken down because they're dangerous in an earthquake. I'd never seen a viaduct before, though.

Sarah's dad took a few pictures, so those might get added to this post in strategic places when I'm able to get them.

[Posted to Xanga 6/19/11]

So today and yesterday were actually okay days, despite the fact that Sarah's off on Whidbey for the time being.Yesterday I played cards with Sarah's dad for a little. It turns out that the game I grew up with, Nertz, goes by the name "Pounce" on the West Coast and is otherwise exactly the same. I entertained myself for a little imagining Sarah's parents and my parents playing it together. I'm going to laugh if that ever actually happens...And today I talked to my little brother on the phone and we showed each other music, and I went to the mall with Sarah's mom, and then we made chocolate peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting, all from scratch.

Haven't been doing much job-finding work in the past few days. I'm better at that when I'm not doing it alone...I wish I had the capacity to motivate myself.

I like Sarah's parents and they like me too.

And I like living here. I like it a lot. The waterfront is within walking distance and there are beautiful snowcapped mountains in the background whenever it's not too cloudy to see them, either the Olympics or the Cascades, I'm never really sure which I'm seeing. The air smells like ocean when you get up close to the water ("salty dead things," as Sarah describes it). The weather is cool, so cool you can wear a jacket outside in summer. Every time I step outside I'm expecting it to be hot, like it's always been in June where I've lived in the past, and it's not, and it's a pleasant surprise.

[Posted to Xanga 5/16/11]

Oh and by the way, I'm studying for the A+ exams, and also for some variety of Spanish certification. So if you don't see me online much, I'm most likely doing that.

So it goes.

[Posted to Xanga 5/16/11]

I apologize to all of you, but I've put my site on Signin Lock.

I never wanted to do this, but I'm trying to get a job, and a lot of you know how that goes. I hope I don't lose any of my casual readers because of this, not that said casual readers will even see this post unless they decide to make an account.

I'm safely in Washington, by the way. I've been here for about 13 days now. It feels like so much longer. And it's completely bizarre that Sarah is three-dimensional and physically present now. Even after 13 days.

Lyrics for you

[Posted to Xanga 4/12/11]

People are wasteful, they waste all the food.
People are hateful, and people are rude. But God I love some people sometimes, because people are very very special. And people are impatient, they dont know how to wait.
And people are selfish, people are prone to hate.
But God I love some people sometimes, because people are the greatest thing to happen.
I said God I love some people sometimes, because people are the greatest thing to happen.
And People are people, regardless of skin.
And people are people, regardless of creed.
People are people regardless of gender, people are people regardless of anything.
I said People are people regardless of gender, people are people regardless of anything.
And people are my religion, because I believe in them.
People are my enemies and people are my friends.
I have faith in my fellow man, and I only hope that he has faith in me.
I said I have faith in my fellow man, and I only hope that he has faith in me.

From my Song of Myself in March 08

[Posted to Xanga 4/11/11]

Someone once told me

that having your mistakes pointed out to you is a luxury

which you will not receive in the real world—

instead, the door of opportunity will slam in your face.

But I believe that, like every rule,

this statement has exceptions—

the instances where people rise from their ruined lives

like phoenixes, taking on the world

and winning.

In this world,

I will either die young

or become a miracle.

[Posted to Xanga 4/11/11]

Guys guys GUYS. I am moving to Olympia.

My parents are helping me go to Seattle and Boston. What I truly want is finally what’s best for me. The people who were real will become internet shadows, and the one person who was always an internet shadow will become real. Everything is all flipped around.

And I feel happy.

I have the capacity to feel fear again. This is something I'd forgotten about--caring about my life enough to be afraid walking the streets of Atlanta. Thinking about dying and wincing away from it instead of wishing for it. And I find myself annoyed by this miracle. It's like, hey, I actually really want out of this situation and it bothers me. What on earth is going on? Why can't I just do whatever I want like I could before?

People around me are unhappy that I'm leaving (even if they're happy for my sake) and I actually have the emotional capacity to reach out to them.

Is this really happening?

I bought plane tickets.

Across the CONTINENT.

And I have never felt better about any decision in my life.

[Posted to Xanga 4/4/11]

So some of you know that I had kind of a tumultuous day on Thursday (well, and the first half of Friday). For the rest of you, the short version: I went to a particular psychiatrist for the first time; he decided my present condition was bad enough that I needed to be in a mental hospital, refused to listen to me when I said that would be a bad thing for me, threatened to call the police on me when I said I wouldn't go, and eventually insisted that I go to the ER despite my pleading. I went to the ER with my uncle, we waited for hours, I talked to a whole lot of doctors and nurses, and I eventually convinced the ER personnel that I didn't need to be in a mental hospital. They kept me a while longer for having a high heart rate (that was a large part of the holdup before, too), I went home around 8 AM Friday and slept for about four hours, and then I caught a Greyhound up to Atlanta, MARTA'd from Garnett to another station, and came to Ryan's apartment. Hung out with Henry and some other people for a while, chilled until Ryan came back from work, and got to hang out with Ryan for the first time in forever.

I'm considerably happier here. I didn't know I'd be fresh out of the ER after one of the more traumatic experiences in my life thus far as I was planning this trip. I just got lucky. I needed something like this. More than a psychiatrist or medications right now I needed to not be alone. Not to say that my aunt and uncle aren't there. Just that I miss my friends.

I'm in Atlanta for about one and a half more weeks, so if you're around, feel free to say hey; I don't think Ryan would mind if some old friends came to see me. Misty, if you're reading this, you and I need to hang out. Vivian, you too. I already know I'm getting to see my parents and Mark.

Another bit of poetry

[Posted to Xanga 3/30/11]

fluorescent floating
sterile, everything through tinny ears
dreaming my driftwood dreams

Poetry, for the first time in forever

[Posted to Xanga 3/30/11]

a bitter familiar fruit

with drunken flesh and pills for seeds

there's always a catch, and this time

it's waking up

A tiny bit of news

[Posted to Xanga 3/14/11]

Okay, so now I have a psychiatrist appointment. March 31st, 9:45 AM. Ha. Just noticed that date is my Xangaversary.

Two weeks.

I can hold out two weeks in my present condition, can't I?

We'll see.

Still alive

 [Posted to Xanga 3/12/11]

This was a triumph...

No, jk. I'm not going to burst into song.

My aunt is still in the hospital. Doing rehab, learning how to live without half a leg. She should be in there another week or two before she comes home.

Still looking for a job.

Still looking for a psychiatrist, but I went to the doctor yesterday and they're going to try to get me to a psych before my meds run out. So that's looking up at the very least.

Still not doing much of anything unless my uncle asks me to help him buy technology or my best friend asks me to proofread/edit a final paper.

It's almost my third Xangaversary. I wish I posted more, but I just don't have anything to talk about these days that's fit for the interwebs. Someday...someday I will post as much as I used to. Soon there'll be no pain again. You'll feel like yourself again. Yeah, let's go with that.

So it goes

[Posted to Xanga 2/16/11]

So my dad was passing through Augusta today on a business trip.

He came and picked me up and we went to Denny's together. I had found my expired permit right before he got there, so he took me to the DMV and we got it renewed (I didn't even have to take the test, as it turned out). Then we went to Suntrust and I got a checking account.

When we were at Suntrust the lady was making polite conversation and wanted to know what kind of job I was looking for. I told her I'd like to work in computers, and my dad added that I was pretty much a genius when it comes to computers, among other things. I blushed and smiled.

We went back to the apartment and he gave me the food that he and Mama had gotten me. He carried it inside for me and helped me put it away. Then I gave him a hug and told him to give Mama and my brother hugs for me, and he went on his way.

And I went inside the apartment and cried my eyes out because my dad loves me and is proud of me.

Yes, I'm a wayward child; yes, I've rejected the thing he considers most important in his life; yes, I threw their attempts to help me in their faces in ways that had nothing to do with religion. But he still loves me, and he's still proud of me. Even writing this I can feel the tears threaten.

This early in the morning, or this late at night, depending on your perspective, is a bad time for me. This is one of those times when my mind spins around in circles of self-hatred and helplessness that reinforce each other endlessly. The process goes something like this: I need to be getting things done. Everyone expects me to get things done. They all think it's going to be fine. They're proud of me. They believe in me. I'm going to fail them. I'm going to be here forever. I'm never going to get anything done. Thinking this way is only going to make it less likely that things get done. I don't deserve their love and respect. I am worse than useless; I am a drain on resources and a waste of love. What am I doing here? Why am I alive? Why do I exist?

And then I remember that I promised Rachel I wouldn't kill myself. And I stay alive, and I feel better, I talk to people, I laugh, I smile. Sometimes I even don't hate myself.

And then this time of night comes around again and it all comes back to me and I'm alone but the thought of asking anyone to help me or talk to me, even about things that have nothing to do with me, fills me with a self-loathing ten times stronger than anything I'd already felt. You don't deserve any help. You're going to whine about something you're causing? You're going to whine to your friends because you aren't getting anything done? You're unhappy because you're being useless. Get over yourself and either get something done or keep your whining to yourself.

And this is why I don't blog very often these days.

Please, please don't treat this as a cry for help. It's my job to get things done. I already know I need help, but I have to get it myself.

No, I'm not dead or anything

[Posted to Xanga 1/13/11]


I've been trying to play through The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask on my aunt and uncle's Wii with an N64 emulator. Unfortunately today I discovered that the emulator has a glitch that causes the Lens of Truth to do nothing but turn the entire screen lime green.

While this is entertaining, it prevents me from making any further progress.

Oh well. It was impossible to save anyway (due to another glitch of the emulator, I presume).

It turns out you can't get a bank account unless you have government photo ID. It turns out you can't get government photo ID unless you have proof of residence and a ride to the DMV.

Since my aunt and uncle still don't have use of the car, this leaves me dependent on friends of theirs to even get a bank account.

I don't know how I'm going to get to a job even if I CAN find one...

I've been pretty down for the past few weeks. 

Still need to find a psychiatrist, too. The ones I called had twelve-month waiting lists.

My Christmas "miracles"

Two things.

One...

A good friend at work fixed this tablet up for me and gave it to me for Christmas. It's a decent little machine. 2 ghz core 2 duo, 1 GB RAM, 75 GB hard drive, wifi, bluetooth, card reader, and of course the fact that it's a tablet. I managed to find a battery for it in the back room that lasts 34 minutes. All in all...I think I can live with this as a primary computer even by comparison to the MacBooks I used to use. I turned in my loaner today, by the way. I'm posting from said tablet, which needs a name. The 1024x768 resolution and 12-inch screen make me feel claustrophobic, and I'm not used to Windows at all anymore. I'm missing several of my favorite apps, most especially Adium. But you know what? I can live with that. I've taken to this computer some already.

Two...

It turns out my parents had some flex spending thingy on their insurance that needed to get used up by the end of the year. And they were kind enough to use it to purchase a 60-day supply of Nuvigil for me. If the appeal's going to work, it will be done long before the 60 days run out.

Now it's up to me. Up to me to step up to the task and get a job and make money and do okay.

Well this is just dandy

[Posted to Xanga 12/10/10]

Freed-Hardeman's iKnow system requires that every one of its students (except this year's seniors, who came along before the program) own a school MacBook.

However, mine was stolen. So now I don't own a school MacBook. As a result, the school is assigning me another one...

...and making me pay the first $595 of it. Did I mention that I'm leaving after next week? For good?

Well, it doesn't make a difference. Freed is still making me pay the first $595 of it and they won't take no for an answer.

However, the buyout amount is still the same as it was before my other one was stolen: $1190. And because they charged me $595, I no longer have enough to buy out the new MacBook. (I had almost exactly enough to buy out both MacBook and iPod Touch.)

So here I am with an iPod Touch and $634.90. I'm computer-shopping, because I don't have a computer anymore and I need one.

Also, the insurance denied my Nuvigil. What am I going to do now? God only knows. I can't see myself holding down a proper job without it.

Freed's policy on stolen laptops

[Posted to Xanga 11/30/10]

"I understand that any incidents of loss, theft or accidental damage must be reported to the University  IKnow Help Desk as soon as possible, but no later than 48 hours after the incident, or the incident may not be covered by insurance. All repairs must be authorized and/or performed by the University iKnow Help Desk. In the event of accidental damage to the iKnow System, I acknowledge that I am responsible for the cost of needed repairs not covered by warranty or insurance up to $250. In the case of theft, I acknowledge that I will be responsible for the first $550 ($875 MacBook Pro) of the replacement cost of a new iKnow System (a copy of the police report must be provided within 1 week of the theft). I acknowledge that in the case of a lost or destroyed iKnow System, I will be assessed a fee equivalent to the full cost of a new iKnow System. If a theft is reported to the University iKnow Help Desk but a police report is not provided within 1 week of the theft then it will be considered a lost system."

Dear whoever stole my bag,

 [Posted to Xanga 11/30/10]

If you were trying to feed or shelter yourself or your family, I forgive you.

But you took from me the material possession most important to me.

That's the MOST detached way I can state it.

Let me put it like this.

You took from me a very dear friend. You took from me my constant companion, the one who's always by my side, the one who can always listen to everything I have to say, the one that keeps me connected to the outside world, keeps me from feeling completely alone. The one that lets me talk to my friends, the one that represents everything my parents ever took from me when I lived at home. You took from me the purest symbol of my freedom. You took from me a component of my very self, because that was what Calliope was to me.

Not only that, but you took my teddy bear, which was given to me by a dear friend of mine.

If you didn't truly NEED my laptop for the money, and if you don't truly spend the money in a necessary way, then I sincerely hope that you will suffer until you feel pain equal to the pain I'm feeling right now.

I'm in mourning.

Not only did I lose my laptop, my friend, my companion, but I also lost music. I lost journal entries. A month of journal entries that can never, ever be replaced. I lost chat logs. I lost stories. I lost my NaNoWriMo novel, which I had never backed up, except for the first two chapters, which I sent to my aunt a while back. I lost thousands and thousands of pictures. I lost videos.

I will never see those things again. I will never see my Calliope again. Calliope, I'm sorry. I love you.

Home, / let me come home, / home is wherever I'm with you. / Oh, home, / let me come ho-o-ome, / home is where I'm alone with you...

Guess what?

[Posted to Xanga 11/26/10]

 After two weeks of Nuvigil...I want to revise a previous statement.

It actually IS a miraculous change.

I just thought it would feel different or something. Like I'd suddenly feel like Superman, like I'd suddenly have the awareness that I could do anything I set my mind to.

I don't really feel any different inside my head. But there's been a huge difference in my actions. Suddenly, my work is getting done. For the first time all semester last week I was DONE with schoolwork instead of procrastinating schoolwork or skipping schoolwork. And I don't understand why it should be different, why I should suddenly be able to concentrate and apply effort the way I have been, but there's been a dramatic difference in what's gotten done. It's amazing.

For instance, while taking Nuvigil, I constructed most of this website for my Web Design project, writing it from scratch in HTML and CSS to look like the mockups my partner created in Photoshop: http://webdesign.fhu.edu/~mmcclish/project2/index.html

The last two links in the navigation bar won't work, but that's only because I haven't been given the mockups for those pages yet. I completed each page except the first one on the day it was given to me. The first one took me a couple of days, because developing the default CSS for the site takes longer than making things after that, and because my CSS has gotten better during the course of this project.

But my point is, this is unheard of for me. Getting something done that fast. And truly done, not just sort-of done.

Today I'm out of Nuvigil. It's been two weeks. My mom said she would get me a ninety-day supply if my psych nurse approved, and she approves as far as I can tell. I can only hope it pans out and I get some more. Because this is wonderful.